If I Should Fall Behind
by JMHaughey
Summary: Truths are finally revealed. Caskett. A Birthday fic for RositaLG!


A/N: Happy Birthday, **RositaLG**! Thank you for being an amazing friend. It seems like we've known each other for so much longer but I guess time flies when you're having fun. Thank you always for the introductions to new things and just for being there. You inspire me. I heart you.

You wanted the how does Castle reveal how he's been working on Beckett's mom's case - here it is. (Of course, Always was just. . . )

Thanks to the lovely **tadpole24** for the beta work.

Disclaimer: I'm not that lucky.

* * *

But you and I know what this world can do

So let's make our steps clear that the other may see

And I'll wait for you

If I should fall behind

Wait for me

_If I Should Fall Behind_ | Bruce Springsteen

* * *

**De****nial: **_No, I don't remember much of anything._

* * *

Castle arrived back home to an empty apartment. He didn't feel like cooking. The days seemed longer, maybe that was because he couldn't handle being bottled up, working secretly on Beckett's mother's case. Since food and wine usually improved his mood, he decided to surprise his partner with take-out.

His hands were full as he knocked awkwardly on his partner's door.

"Castle." His partner remarked somberly.

"Am I interrupting something?" He glanced past her. "The fact I needed to eat, maybe drink crossed my mind. So I figured you may require it as well."

"Umm. . . no." She replied, clearly distracted by something. "Come on in." She cleared the door frame as her hand grabbed the wine bottle from his clutch. "The least I can do is open this now." She laughed and meandered toward the kitchen, Castle right behind her.

She uncorked the bottle and poured two glasses. She passed one to her companion. "We haven't done this in a while, huh?"

"We have not." The sound of glass clinking was eerily loud. They looked at each other, still tip-toeing like on thin ice. "It's a shame, really." Castle quipped as he took a sip.

"You know something, Castle?"

"I know a few things, but what you are talking about I don't think I do."

"When I was kid, we go out to dinner as a family at a fancy restaurant, a few times a year. We'd get dressed up, my dad would wear a tie and a sportcoat while my mom would wear her grown-up earrings. . ."

Castle just listened to her speak.

"There were always reservations, but I felt special. Like the table they brought us to was picked out just for us. Sometimes, there was even a placard that said RESERVED. I always thought that other people in the restaurant were jealous. Whispering, good things of course, like look at that family, all dressed up, happy to be out with each other. During these fancy dinners, my mother would order a glass of wine. It was the only time I would see her drink alcohol. The glasses were different yet they held the same drink." She stopped talking and just held up her glass. "I remember asking her why she only drank when we went out. Her reply was when you dress up fancy, you get to have a fancy drink and you, Katie – you'll have the chance to enjoy this someday. And now, here I am dressed in a tee shirt and jeans, drinking a glass of wine. Not fancily dressed but having that fancy drink."

Castle liked when Beckett shared memories of her mother with him especially tonight, after everything that has gone on in recent weeks. He's been in love with Kate Beckett for years. He went to work every day to be with her, for right now he'll take that. But she didn't know that he had heard her confession to that punk. _Do you want to know trauma? I was shot in the chest and I remember every second of it. _For seven months, he has clung to the fact she didn't remember.

He didn't think that he could hold his secret anymore.

Maybe he just had to let the dam break.

* * *

**Anger: **_Yeah. Like we caught the guy that shot me._

* * *

"What do you mean working on my mother's case?" Kate asked Castle, with her voice raised. "You are not a cop. I've told you that before."

"I have stood by you watching you come to terms with this case, your mother's death, Montgomery, and everything else. It's destroying you, Kate. How do you not realize that? I've almost lost you to this case. I'll be damned if sit on the sidelines while you disappear again."

She stood up and walked around the room. "I. . . I've never disappeared. I've been here trying to find the bastard who shot my mother. The bastard who shot me. This – this thing with us, I'm trying to figure it out."

"You disappeared behind that wall, Kate." Castle rose and stood near her, his voice was raised as well. "I've waited. Oh god I have waited but then to find out that you remembered when I said I loved you. That nearly destroyed me but I came in and did my job anyway. Why? Because I love you. It's a feeling that will not go away. I don't want it to. Maybe I'm clinging to an idea, a thought because you said once that wall came down, there was a chance for us."

"Castle, I can't give myself to you if I can't let something go. I want to be able to go into this will no walls, just us. When I heard you say I love you - it made me fight. It made me think, too; did he only say that because I may die? Why couldn't he have said it before I was shot in the chest? It's because I never gave you the chance and I never let myself get that close to you to say it. . ."

"I asked you in the hospital if you remembered and you lied to me. How do I know I can trust you?"

"You want to talk about trust, really, Rick? You have been keeping me in the dark about my mother's case and now you say you can't trust me." She didn't care if she was yelling at this point. _How dare he?_

"Partners need to trust each other." He turned toward the door. "Maybe we need a . . ."

She didn't want to hear the rest of his statement, whatever it was she didn't want it. "No." She walked up to Castle and put her hand on his arm. Silently, pleading with him to stop.

"No?"

"We can't keep doing this."

"I know."

"We're better together than apart, don't you think?"

"You know my answer."

"I do?"

Castle looked down at her hand, she sensed he knew their connection, so frayed at the moment, was ending. She said nothing and watched him walk out the door.

* * *

**Bargaining: **_I'm not going to have the kind of relationship that I want until that wall comes down. And it's not going to happen until I put this thing to rest. _

* * *

Words were what Castle knew best but leaving is what he had to do. He knew she wouldn't like his confession. Sure, in some fantasy land, he thought perhaps she be grateful for his work. But who was he kidding? Kate Beckett was haunted by this - every second of every day. Like she reiterated, it was the most important _thing_ in her life. He just wanted to be the_ person_ she relied on.

He continued walking the streets of New York City, somewhat lost people watching. He gazed at the happy couples, holding hands from across the tables on outside patios, laughing and whispering while they enjoyed the crisp night together. He recollected about his previous relationships – they couldn't compare nor should they, really. He remembered the first time he saw Kate Beckett. He knew he'd have his hands full. He accepted the challenge. Honestly, he didn't need to continue working with her, but he did it anyway because well, he could.

Ever since she was shot, he'd met the mysterious man in dark alleys, had taken secret phone calls, and installed every single piece of evidence on his computer for her. He sat at his desk and stared at the screen. He knew the contents of the screen by heart. He moved to delete it all. He didn't need it anymore. Castle knew he had to come clean, there was no other way. The ramifications were just but it stung, he opened his heart and she broke it again. He just left the pieces where they were, he wasn't sure how long it would take but those pieces were not getting picked up anytime soon.

Her life was on the line, he would do whatever it took. That's what partners do. Well, did.

* * *

**Depression: **_She's spinning out of control. She's losing her ability to cope. _

* * *

For the first time, she felt the weight of the thin gold chain that made its home around her neck. She couldn't fathom how a chain so delicate could instantaneously change her life's happiness, her life's goals – perhaps it wasn't the chain but what was strung from it. As for the ring that teetered on the chain, it once had its place on her mother's left finger. A ring picked out with love, thoughtfulness and care. She had never tried it on; not for fear it wouldn't fit but because it was picked out for her mother, not her. She believed, deep down, someday that when she was given a ring it would be chosen with the same qualifications as her mother's. Right now, even that prospect seemed bleak.

She removed the chain and she stared at it, almost wishing it would reassure her, perhaps give her a clue. But wouldn't it have already provided her with something? Back to nothing, square one.

She started speaking out loud to her empty apartment. "Castle said we can't win this. What other choice do we have? There is someone still out there that knows what happened. They tried to kill me. I'm not giving up that easily. I'm not built that way. The only closure I'll be satisfied with is if we catch the bastard. I have to continue giving it my all. Fighting for what I believe." She stared at the vodka bottle from the across the room. That wouldn't help – more problems.

Her stinging soberness lead her to start questioning herself, her worth.

Would she get a ring of her own? Would she finally settle down?

She wore this necklace for her mother.

_For a life lost._

What if she's the one that actually is losing her life, huh? It's the most significant and important event she had ever experienced was a _thing. _She knew who the most important _person _was, though.

She has fought, re-checked evidence and dug around for this case – for what? No leads, nobody in jail, and an endless nightmare.

She had never felt more alone when Castle left. She couldn't call out his name, it would have freed her and she didn't want that yet. Or did she?

* * *

**Acceptance**_**: **In a place where I can finally accept everything that happened that day. . . Everything. _

* * *

She knocked on his door. He looked taken aback that she was there. He widened the door, making room for her to come in. Castle opened his mouth to speak, Beckett put an end to that by taking his face in her hands and kissing him. After taking a breath, her hand found its way to his face, she wiped the tear away from his face, "Castle." She whispered, "I love you. I don't think I said it before, but I do."

"That's what you came to tell me."

"I really just want to kiss you." She flashed her, you-know-I'm-funny-smile. "I suppose the other statement is an added bonus. What do you think?"

"I could get used to this. And Kate, you know that this – us," Castle raised his hand and moved back and forth between them, "It's not going to be easy. There are times we're going to want to run for the hills, scream and probably say things we may regret, but it's worth it. It's all worth it because I've been forced to imagine a world without you before and I wasn't a fan of that at all."

His partner grabbed his hand, "Some days will better than others, right? But knowing you're beside me, that makes all the difference."

He responded by wrapping her up in his arms, kissing her again, indicating to her that was his answer. They had plenty of time for words, later.

And in the end, the best you can hope for is to find a place to make your stand. And if you're very lucky, you find someone to stand with you.

* * *

**FIN**


End file.
